One of the things that appealed to me about being a writer was the idea of not being seen. It’s not really the writer that get’s the attention, it’s the story. I don’t enjoy the spotlight. I’d much rather stay comfortably behind the scenes, in my little shell. However, the more I stepped out into the writing world, the more I realized I had to be seen. I had to promote my work and people like to know a little bit about the author of whatever story or article they’re reading. I get it, I really do but it’s uncomfortable for me.
Even after being on social media for a few years now, I still freak out with every new Facebook friend, Twitter and blog follower. I always feel too exposed and I worry if all my flaws and open wounds are sufficiently hidden. My prayers started to change from, “Lord, please take me higher,” to “Lord, please hide me.”
To my disappointment, the response I continue to get is, “you are the light of the world.” As if that wasn’t enough, I’m always led to the scripture, “in the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16 NIV
Is there really no other way to glorify God than by others seeing Him inside of us? This is a huge problem for me because I have to admit that I don’t feel worthy to be seen. I haven’t completely healed from the wounds of my past and now everyone will know that I really don’t have it all together. The horror and shame of it all!
With every post or article I publish, I can hear a voice saying, “no one likes you. No one will ever want you. You’re ugly and worthless. Just give up now before you get your feelings hurt.”
That voice has taunted me and bullied me for as long as I can remember. I’ve allowed it to keep me from doing so much of what God has called me to do and it’s time for it to stop. Confronting that voice isn’t easy and it certainly doesn’t feel good but if I don’t, no one will ever get to see how God can heal and restore. There are too many people who are being beat down by that same voice. They need to know that even with all our faults and scars, He still has a plan for us. I have to allow my life serve as a testimony to that. If God can use me to encourage others, He can certainly use others to do amazing things too. It’s not for my glory but for His that I have to be seen.